seven years later

 I just found this old gem of a blog. Wow. Reading this makes me a tad nostalgic, but I guess that is to be expected. I turned thirty this year. And it's 2020, which is sort of self-explanatory. So I guess I'm feeling... there is no one word that perfectly encapsulates how I feel I suppose. I'm so much older than I was, remembering the things that brought me so much pain then, those things that hardly affect me anymore. But now there are a number of things that never crossed my mind that eventually became issues. Things that I never imagined would happen to me. Some of those things still happening.

    It sounds dramatic now that I'm writing it down, but that's okay. I've been listening to way too much Taylor Swift, and folklore and evermore have that effect on me haha. 

    I did make an interesting connection about myself just this morning and it would probably do me good to write it down. I have always struggled to finish things. Struggled to keep interested, or I feel an ungodly amount of pressure to continue something I've started. I even mentioned it earlier in this blog. And the thing is is that I would love to finish things.

    That's not to say I've never finished anything. Or course I have. And the things I have finished I'm incredibly proud of myself. But it's that guilt that I constantly put on myself that actually hurts me and my ability to do the things I want to do. By steeping myself in guilt, all I want to do is to escape, so I run away from what is making me feel like that. 

    It originates from my childhood (when does it not?) and my fear of doing things wrong. The embarrassment and discomfort I feel when that happens. Not knowing how to do it "correctly". But that is such bullshit. What is correct? What is the right way to do something that I do for fun? Isn't it the point that it is supposed to be for fun? There is no reason for me to allow myself to run away from that feeling. 

    I don't want to shame myself for having those feelings. It's perfectly natural to be scared of something new. Or of going outside of my comfort zone. Living more moment to moment is my goal. 

#5: Ages and Ages Later

6/23/2013

It's been a while. But I have a very valid excuse this time round though, haha. I spent from August 2011-February 2013 in England as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was the most marvelous experience and I am forever changed because of the work I set forth to do there. My love for the English people is so huge I can barely stand it! And just my love for people in general has grown a lot. My testimony of my Savior has been strengthened and solidified. The Lord made me His. :)

But somethings have NOT changed, and that's what I really want to write about today. This last week has been one of the worst since I've been home from my mission. And I've decided that it really just has to do with being a girl. And not in the one sense that is disgusting or inappropriate to talk about with the general public, just stuff about being female.

1. We lose a GAJILLION hairs a day!!!! And by that I mean about 100, not including the huge wad that comes off while shampooing. Isn't this just the grossest thing in the world? If we lose 100 hairs a day, and you have 4 girls living in your apartment and then you don't vacuum for a week that's 2,800 hairs all over your house! Super barfy!! I never really realized how horrific this was until this last week.

2. TEARS! They come out of my face when I least expect it sometimes! I get sad about the dumbest and most irrational things. Someone could say a passing comment like, "Oh, I like that car." And then I think about people who have liked cars in the past that I've known, and then I think how guys like cars, then I'll think about that guy that I liked who actually didn't like cars that much and actually he doesn't like me either and then BAM, repulsing water droplets come out of my eyes like a poisonous waterfall.

3. I actually am scared of people caring about me. But it's what I want more then anything else in the whole world. All I want is for someone to love and take care of me, but then when it comes down to it, I run away! It's the things that would bring me the most happiness in life that make me the most terrified. Delusional.

#3: Yes, Indeed.

02/2011

Today was great. Or yesterday, I guess.

There were moments where I was kinda bored, sometimes when I was in physical pain, and others when I was sad.

But today was wonderful.

So first thing is that the majority of what I ate today was chocolate chip cookie dough. When you do this it does something to the inside of you that is not in any way natural.

So basically, I feel like there is a freaking boulder in my gut.

Next, Cassie, Whitney, and I went down to Saint George. This was soooo much fun! I don't know when the last time we did something all by ourselves and were so relaxed. It was magnificent. While we were down there we went to this Mongolian BBQ and it was fantastic! Then we went to Target and spent way to much time and money. I bought a cute pencil skirt though . . .

Then we went to get smoothies and that is when I felt like I was gonna throw up.