seven years later

 I just found this old gem of a blog. Wow. Reading this makes me a tad nostalgic, but I guess that is to be expected. I turned thirty this year. And it's 2020, which is sort of self-explanatory. So I guess I'm feeling... there is no one word that perfectly encapsulates how I feel I suppose. I'm so much older than I was, remembering the things that brought me so much pain then, those things that hardly affect me anymore. But now there are a number of things that never crossed my mind that eventually became issues. Things that I never imagined would happen to me. Some of those things still happening.

    It sounds dramatic now that I'm writing it down, but that's okay. I've been listening to way too much Taylor Swift, and folklore and evermore have that effect on me haha. 

    I did make an interesting connection about myself just this morning and it would probably do me good to write it down. I have always struggled to finish things. Struggled to keep interested, or I feel an ungodly amount of pressure to continue something I've started. I even mentioned it earlier in this blog. And the thing is is that I would love to finish things.

    That's not to say I've never finished anything. Or course I have. And the things I have finished I'm incredibly proud of myself. But it's that guilt that I constantly put on myself that actually hurts me and my ability to do the things I want to do. By steeping myself in guilt, all I want to do is to escape, so I run away from what is making me feel like that. 

    It originates from my childhood (when does it not?) and my fear of doing things wrong. The embarrassment and discomfort I feel when that happens. Not knowing how to do it "correctly". But that is such bullshit. What is correct? What is the right way to do something that I do for fun? Isn't it the point that it is supposed to be for fun? There is no reason for me to allow myself to run away from that feeling. 

    I don't want to shame myself for having those feelings. It's perfectly natural to be scared of something new. Or of going outside of my comfort zone. Living more moment to moment is my goal. 

#5: Ages and Ages Later

6/23/2013

It's been a while. But I have a very valid excuse this time round though, haha. I spent from August 2011-February 2013 in England as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was the most marvelous experience and I am forever changed because of the work I set forth to do there. My love for the English people is so huge I can barely stand it! And just my love for people in general has grown a lot. My testimony of my Savior has been strengthened and solidified. The Lord made me His. :)

But somethings have NOT changed, and that's what I really want to write about today. This last week has been one of the worst since I've been home from my mission. And I've decided that it really just has to do with being a girl. And not in the one sense that is disgusting or inappropriate to talk about with the general public, just stuff about being female.

1. We lose a GAJILLION hairs a day!!!! And by that I mean about 100, not including the huge wad that comes off while shampooing. Isn't this just the grossest thing in the world? If we lose 100 hairs a day, and you have 4 girls living in your apartment and then you don't vacuum for a week that's 2,800 hairs all over your house! Super barfy!! I never really realized how horrific this was until this last week.

2. TEARS! They come out of my face when I least expect it sometimes! I get sad about the dumbest and most irrational things. Someone could say a passing comment like, "Oh, I like that car." And then I think about people who have liked cars in the past that I've known, and then I think how guys like cars, then I'll think about that guy that I liked who actually didn't like cars that much and actually he doesn't like me either and then BAM, repulsing water droplets come out of my eyes like a poisonous waterfall.

3. I actually am scared of people caring about me. But it's what I want more then anything else in the whole world. All I want is for someone to love and take care of me, but then when it comes down to it, I run away! It's the things that would bring me the most happiness in life that make me the most terrified. Delusional.

#3: Yes, Indeed.

02/2011

Today was great. Or yesterday, I guess.

There were moments where I was kinda bored, sometimes when I was in physical pain, and others when I was sad.

But today was wonderful.

So first thing is that the majority of what I ate today was chocolate chip cookie dough. When you do this it does something to the inside of you that is not in any way natural.

So basically, I feel like there is a freaking boulder in my gut.

Next, Cassie, Whitney, and I went down to Saint George. This was soooo much fun! I don't know when the last time we did something all by ourselves and were so relaxed. It was magnificent. While we were down there we went to this Mongolian BBQ and it was fantastic! Then we went to Target and spent way to much time and money. I bought a cute pencil skirt though . . .

Then we went to get smoothies and that is when I felt like I was gonna throw up.

#4: 4 Random Things

1. Today I am giving a seven minute lesson in my mission prep class. Which I FEEL nervous about, but at the same time, I'm not nervous about it. The lesson I'm giving is on The Fall and Agency. I think I have some really good things to say about it. So, I guess I'll see how it goes soon.

2. Spring Break is next week and I am SO ready for Arizona, oh so so so so so ready. Me and Whit are heading down after she gets off work, so that should be pretty dang fun! Four hours of being all by ourselves in a car? I'm 94% sure that tears will be shed. I don't think that's a bad thing, it's just what happens when we get together. :) Also, SIX FLAGS. yes.

3. My university does it's own version of Dancing With the Stars every year (members of the Ballroom team partner up with "stars" of the campus, such as the Student Body President, professors, and just popular people and put on a huge show). And last night this event took place. My friend Sam was in it and he did really well, but he didn't make it to the finals. Although, he said he only had two weeks to work on his routine whereas everyone else had about two months. So it was cool to see him up there.

4. Also last night they announced the results of the student elections, which have been going on all week. I had a friend running for Vice President of Academics, and unfortunately he lost. He worked really hard and he really deserved it. So that was pretty stinky.

So, yes. 4 things.

#3: Writing

People tell me I have a talent. They say it’s an amazing talent, one that I should share with all the world. But when it comes right down too it, I can’t get anything out. When I force myself to write something, I get a B-. And this really sucks because I do love to write, I just can’t do it under pressure. I almost need to have the expectation of knowing that nobody is going to be reading it.

Or at least not having to turn it in to a professor to be thrashed and gutted.

Now I know that I a B- isn’t bad at all. My professor even said that if we got a B it means that we did the assignment right. But I got a B-, which means I didn’t get it as right as the average person in the class. This is disheartening to me. I know that I can write wonderfully when the right place and time come along. Unfortunately, those times never come when I want them to.

Like right now for instance. It’s 12:18 am. I need to be sleeping. Rather, I am sitting here writing, because I feel something.

Perhaps that’s it. Maybe I need to feel something truly to be able to write about it in a pleasing way. I know that when I write a paper for school, I don’t really have any passion behind it. It’s just something I have to do for a grade. So maybe if I try to really get into what my topic is, I’ll have an easier time just letting the words flow.

This has been very therapeutic. I feel much more at ease about this whole thing. Thank goodness.

#2: Feelings (yuck)

Today is yet another day of me laying around in bed. I've had a cold the last couple of days, yesterday was the worst, but I just want to get better so I'm taking it easy today, too.

Yesterday was interesting. While I was sick and had the chills and was unnaturally tired, I had this sense that everything was better than good. I know that my life if extraordinary and I don't appreciate it enough.

I was able to make an account to start on my mission papers yesterday! Man, oh, man. That's what unreal about the whole thing. I don't feel like I should be this old. I feel like I'm still sixteen, minus my terrible anger issues and well everything, I guess. I'm not really anything like I was when I was sixteen. Except for the fact that I'm still Ali. I used to be so scared of everything. Now, I may still be scared of the same things, but I have a continually growing confidence in my abilities.

I've been spending some time thinking about what kind of guy I will end up married to, while I've been sick. Which is stupid, but it happens to girls sometimes. And while I have a pretty firm knowledge of what kind of qualities I'm looking for, I don't see anybody. It could be anybody. Which is scary for me. I'm not gonna lie, I don't like that feeling. I like to know things and to have a plan. A plan for the future. Yes, my immediate plan is set, I'm going on a mission and finishing school. But after that? I have no idea, and that terrifies me.

I know that it's the best for me to not know anything about my future husband. My friends have different options when it comes to guys, but I couldn't work that way. It works for them, but Heavenly Father knows me and knows that I have to be completely in the dark for this issue.

This blog is rambly and not funny, but I don't really care. I love my life, my family, and my friends. What would I do without them? Nobody knows.

#1: On the Cusp

I get this strange itch in my soul every once in a while. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but it doesn't feel very good. It's almost as if it's trying to escape my body, but then my throat tightens up and it's forced to retreat back into its place. But as it doesn't want to be there in the first place, it decides to rebel by doing this awkward contracting thing over and over. I have that feeling right now. This feeling is normally soothed by me writing, but then I start a blog and I only have one entry and then I feel this unearthly pressure to continue, but I know that I don't have the motivation for that and then, well, I just end up feeling like a failure.

Well guess what? I don't give a crap anymore. I'm not going to let this emotionless, inanimate blog have any kind of weirdo cloud over me. If I feel like writing, then I'll write. And if I don't want to tomorrow, well, that's too bad for you.

Now to get onto the actual topic of this blog post. There are two things that I feel are new phases for me that are starting soon:

1. I begin my mission papers this month
2. I start my last semester of school before my mission on Monday

For both of these things all I can think of is: HOLY CRAP. I mean, come on. A mission? Am I crazy? Maybe. But I know that I absolutely have to do this for myself and for whatever people I will be working with. I am so excited! I just have to trust in the Lord to give me the words to say.

And this will be my final semester. I have done seven semesters straight since the Fall of 2008. . . hallelujah for getting a break. I am so freaking done with school I don't even know how to express it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to learn and I especially love history, but there has been to much learning. I desperately need a break. So, YES! I'm going to get an eighteen month break!

In random news, I got my wisdom teeth pulled on Monday. It was a very interesting experience. . . my dad gave me a ten minute warning, so I didn't even have any time to psych myself out. I went over to the dentist's office, he did all of his x-ray stuff and everything and then he says, "Well, do you want to do this now?" And I was just like, "Whatever I don't want to think about it, just do it." So then he put me on  nitrous oxide, aka LAUGHING GAS. I have never, ever been put on anything like this stuff, EVER. I don't even know how to describe it. All I can say is that I was tripping out. Bad. This guy was freaking pulling out one of my teeth and he had his hand partially on my throat and all I could think was, "Man, I can't really breath. . . I should tell him that. . . nah. . . hahahahhahahahahaha." Everything was all spinny and I thought I went blind.

That was the best part of the whole wisdom teeth pulling experience. Now my face just looks life it got hit by a dump truck.

So, yeah.