#2: Feelings (yuck)

Today is yet another day of me laying around in bed. I've had a cold the last couple of days, yesterday was the worst, but I just want to get better so I'm taking it easy today, too.

Yesterday was interesting. While I was sick and had the chills and was unnaturally tired, I had this sense that everything was better than good. I know that my life if extraordinary and I don't appreciate it enough.

I was able to make an account to start on my mission papers yesterday! Man, oh, man. That's what unreal about the whole thing. I don't feel like I should be this old. I feel like I'm still sixteen, minus my terrible anger issues and well everything, I guess. I'm not really anything like I was when I was sixteen. Except for the fact that I'm still Ali. I used to be so scared of everything. Now, I may still be scared of the same things, but I have a continually growing confidence in my abilities.

I've been spending some time thinking about what kind of guy I will end up married to, while I've been sick. Which is stupid, but it happens to girls sometimes. And while I have a pretty firm knowledge of what kind of qualities I'm looking for, I don't see anybody. It could be anybody. Which is scary for me. I'm not gonna lie, I don't like that feeling. I like to know things and to have a plan. A plan for the future. Yes, my immediate plan is set, I'm going on a mission and finishing school. But after that? I have no idea, and that terrifies me.

I know that it's the best for me to not know anything about my future husband. My friends have different options when it comes to guys, but I couldn't work that way. It works for them, but Heavenly Father knows me and knows that I have to be completely in the dark for this issue.

This blog is rambly and not funny, but I don't really care. I love my life, my family, and my friends. What would I do without them? Nobody knows.

#1: On the Cusp

I get this strange itch in my soul every once in a while. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but it doesn't feel very good. It's almost as if it's trying to escape my body, but then my throat tightens up and it's forced to retreat back into its place. But as it doesn't want to be there in the first place, it decides to rebel by doing this awkward contracting thing over and over. I have that feeling right now. This feeling is normally soothed by me writing, but then I start a blog and I only have one entry and then I feel this unearthly pressure to continue, but I know that I don't have the motivation for that and then, well, I just end up feeling like a failure.

Well guess what? I don't give a crap anymore. I'm not going to let this emotionless, inanimate blog have any kind of weirdo cloud over me. If I feel like writing, then I'll write. And if I don't want to tomorrow, well, that's too bad for you.

Now to get onto the actual topic of this blog post. There are two things that I feel are new phases for me that are starting soon:

1. I begin my mission papers this month
2. I start my last semester of school before my mission on Monday

For both of these things all I can think of is: HOLY CRAP. I mean, come on. A mission? Am I crazy? Maybe. But I know that I absolutely have to do this for myself and for whatever people I will be working with. I am so excited! I just have to trust in the Lord to give me the words to say.

And this will be my final semester. I have done seven semesters straight since the Fall of 2008. . . hallelujah for getting a break. I am so freaking done with school I don't even know how to express it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to learn and I especially love history, but there has been to much learning. I desperately need a break. So, YES! I'm going to get an eighteen month break!

In random news, I got my wisdom teeth pulled on Monday. It was a very interesting experience. . . my dad gave me a ten minute warning, so I didn't even have any time to psych myself out. I went over to the dentist's office, he did all of his x-ray stuff and everything and then he says, "Well, do you want to do this now?" And I was just like, "Whatever I don't want to think about it, just do it." So then he put me on  nitrous oxide, aka LAUGHING GAS. I have never, ever been put on anything like this stuff, EVER. I don't even know how to describe it. All I can say is that I was tripping out. Bad. This guy was freaking pulling out one of my teeth and he had his hand partially on my throat and all I could think was, "Man, I can't really breath. . . I should tell him that. . . nah. . . hahahahhahahahahaha." Everything was all spinny and I thought I went blind.

That was the best part of the whole wisdom teeth pulling experience. Now my face just looks life it got hit by a dump truck.

So, yeah.